I suffer from a very common mental illness called bi-polar disorder. This is also called manic-depressive by some people. Simply stated bi-polar disorder means that sometimes you are very excited and your mind is going really fast, and sometimes, your really slow and depressed, and sometimes both. That's the basic description.

But from the inside it feels a little worse than it sounds. Im writing this here so that I don't have to repeat myself, and so that people might learn a little about a disease that effects a very large portion of the population. We as a society have completely ignored mental illness on the whole. People don't want to think about it. I don't know why that is, but of course Im crazy, so i wouldn't know :)

Here are some basic facts:
*. Bipolar disorder, if left untreated, is a progressive terminal illness.
*. Mental illnesses like bipolar and schizophrenia are genetic.
*. Bipolar disorder can become active at any point in someones life, but is usally noticed bofore the age of 30. *. There are many different kinds of bipolar disorder, all having to do with how a person switches from one phase to the next.
*. Bipolars are often hypersexual.
*. Bipolar disorder cannot be cured. It can be treated, like diabetes, but the success of such treament varies from patient to patient.
*. There are many famous bipolars.

Bipolar disorder, from my point of view, is not a great thing. Because so many great minds were mentally ill, mental illness in a way has been glorified. But it destroys far more minds and lives, than it improves. I am a rapid-cycler, which does not mean I ride my bike fast. It means my 'moods' or phases switch very quickly, but mine tend to be hypmanic or manic, rather than depressed. I have experienced severe depression but only a few times. More often my problems are phsychosis (disjointed thoughts, hallucinations, delusions, like a bad lsd trip), and mania. When I become manic, which is often for me, but rare for bi-polars in general, I become psychotic. Almost each time.

I have been in treatment for this disease for 10 years, since I was first diagnosed at the age of 14. I have taken so many different medications I can't count them all. The side effects from some of the medications I have been given, are sometimes far worse than the disease itself. But a lot has happened in this particular field of study in the last 5 or 6 years, and the medications are better than they used to be.

This disease inteferes with each and every facet of my life. It causes serious problems maintianint a long-term relationship. It makes it impossible for me to do any kind of work on a regualr basis. It makes it very hard to be a father to my children.

The first theory is called Multiple Personality Disorder. In this theory , the mind of a child under the average age of 5.6 is traumatized, and the brain responds by allowing the personality to dissapear into the subconsious. When this happens a void is created, and the void must be filled, so the brain fills it with a second personality. Once the subconsious learns how to use this as a coping mechanism, it begins to create many personalities to deal with different situations. People can have as few as 2 personalities, and as many as two or three hundred. Being an MPD, This is the theory I believe, because im living it. I also have the advantage of being a bipolar, which will make sence later.

The second and most recent school of thought is that multiples arent really multiple at all. In fact multiple personalities has been taken out of the medical references and replaced with the new diagnosis D.I.D.. In this theory, the person does exactly the same thing as mentioned above, accept they are aware of what is happening. They are simply one personality, that convinces themselves that they are more than one person to make that part of themselves which is uncomfortable easier to deal with. In this school of thought MPD is considered a delusion.

Now a bit more on why I think MPD is real and DID is a false assumption. First a little history on why DID came about in the first place. When the movie cybil came out some years ago, everyone all of a suddon started having MPD. Doctors were incorrectly diagnosing it all over the place. People with MPD are extremly easy to hypnotize. Now in that time, the basic idea of treatment was regressive theropy, in which the paitent is hypnotized and past memories are retrieved. Recently two things have happened. First, the person that the movie was made after has come out and publicly stated that she was making the whole thing up for attention. Secondly, false memory syndrome was discovered. Confused yet? ok Im going on anyway :)
False memory syndrome is a real phenomena, where a person trys to remember something, and instead of actually remembering it, they subconsiously 'invent' a memory, that to them, is as real as any other memory. It was recently discovered that most of the memories retrieved in hypnosis with people who have MPD are actually false. This is what sent doctors and researchers into such a panic to change the books.

Anyway I don't believe that MPD does not exist. I *DO* believe DID exists, but I also believe in MPD because I have it. How do I know Im not delusional? Simple, im bipolar. Bipolars are prone to delusions. I've had a whole bunch of them. I know the difference between a hallucination and a delusion, and the other personalities dont fit into either of those categories. Unfortunately I am poor (being disabled makes it hard to get a pay check), and social security is taking for-ever to make up their minds as to weather or not im actually disabled so I havn't been able to seek any qualified treatment for this problem. For now all I know personally, is that it is the reason I've had so many black outs. A black out, as most people know is time loss, you are sitting in one place in 1996, and the next thing you know your in a whole different city in 1998, walking down the street. I've also discovered things in my possesion, that I did not purchase and have no idea where they came from. Things have come in the mail, for me, that I did not order. I've found my signature in someone elses handwriting on a few things. As far as I know, I have 17 personalities, 3 of which are female. There may well be more personalities that I am not aware of. Most of these 17 I am only aware of because of the evidence they have left behind, or because family members have met them. I am 'co-aware' with some of them meaning I know what they are thinking, and have access to their memories. Recently, three of my personalities have merged to become what I am now.

So, as you can see, Im pretty messed up. :) BUT, when i was 13, I commited suicide. God saved me miraculously, and I was born again at that time. I have been studying Gods word ever since then , and I know that he is going to heal me soon. The simple fact that I am still alive, is proof in Gods existance.

----------Vampyre